And The Beat Goes On. . .

I officially suck at posting on lj. I think I'll have a designated day, like Thursdays to post. Right after I get my physics homework done.

I'm really scared about leaving home. I can't wait to do so, but it will take some getting used to.

My final Mads kidnapping is happening tomorrow morning. It seems like the years go by faster and faster.

My back hurts, just like soreness.

I play the ukulele rather well and I got it almost a month ago.

Someone said I lost good weight and that I'm looking good the other day.

I'm taking body conditioning. I am the only girl now cause the other girl was drinking on campus.

Prom is coming up and I'm super ready to get my groove on.

I miss Megan Denny and I am determined to visit on the 17 just for that day. AP Testing, the spring musical, and everything stressful will be over then. It will be a good end to a stressful week.

I'm going to Universal Studios tomorrow.

I'm scared to get sucked into Santa Clarita.

I just have to live and not slack with the next two months and I'll be golden.

This year is ending way too quickly.


". . . Without dollar one to spend,
But how much, baby,
do we really need?
Cheer up, sleepy jean.
Oh, what can it mean?
To a, daydream believer
And a, homecoming queen?"

"Daydream Believer" By The Monkees

They say that they listen, but they never do.

They say they'll change, but they never do.

They say I'm sorry, but they never mean it.

When will it sink in that you have to grow up one day?

I hate feeling like your mother. I have to remind you to do the littlest things.

Why? Cause: You don't want to take responsibility for anything.

FUCKING GROW UP!

I'm sick of it!

I'm growing up and leaving VERY soon.

I feel like I'm getting older and you're stuck acting like a 12-year-old cause you're scared.

Scared of LIFE! 

SUCK IT UP MAN!

Life happens. You can't hide from it!

I'm done with this.

If shit happens like this again, I'm not gonna deal with it.



"Go spin circles for me,
wound relentlessly around the words we use to sling.
Oh such torturous things
always chewing up the only ones I ever mean."

"From a Mountain In The Middle" By Panic! at the Disco

My mother constantly accuses me of not caring for my grandmother. If I go to the hospital and sit there I don't see how it would be different than not going to the hospital and thinking about my grandmother just as much.

I miss my family and friends. I haven't hung  out with anyone over winter break really. My family is awesome and I want you all back.

Anna and I are very serious now about moving in together during college. Hopefully I'll make a decision on the colleges soon. I am still not sure about where I want to go.

AP Physics homework has yet to be touched.

Carson and I are happy people. We are going to start making home videos. fun!

Over the break I've been a complete bum.

I have AP Physics work to do and I'm not doing it.

It's been pretty monotonous.

I go to the hospital every so often. My family thinks I'm being disrespectful by not going there and sitting in silence day after day. I don't cope with pain the way they do and ayesha made it clear to me that I am frivolous and don't work for anything and that i think everything will  be handed to me.

If you guys think that too go ahead and tell me.

I actually learned a song this winter break on my guitar. Sasha and I will perform it sometime during a thespian manditory spring showcase.

Also I have decided to read Wicked. I never got to and if it's as amazingly hott as everyone makes it out to be, I'm there!

I don't like sex but I give it if he wants it, but he only wants it if I want it, so we don't have it.

Heavy necking is more my thing.

I want to play Dnd.

I'm going to Danielle Shipp and Nathan Rucker's ingagement party tonight. it's about time. they've been ingaged for about 5 months.

"There exists a melody
That just might change your mind
Oh, if only I knew the key
To sing to make you mine"

"I saw it on your keyboard" by Hellogoodbye


-PLEASE PRAY FOR MY GRANDMOTHER-

Last night there was the choir chritmas party at the lewis's house. it went fairly well. Besides the fact that my boyfriend was acting like a total dumbass. I'll forgive him soon enough. I danced with Natalie, Dani and Gina for an hour to salsa music. it was great.

I miss you emma. and last night reminded me of how much Idon't see you anymore.

My ass hurts.

17days of carson are going well.


"And you might slip and stumble on the rocks at the shore,
And exhalt in the blast of the mighty wake's roar,
But when you stand humbled by the ocean's door,
Then you'll understand just who I am,
Bamfield's John Vanden."

"Bamfeild's John Vanden" by The Bills

was a WASTE OF TIME!!

I had no finals. NONE!

well besides choir and that still doesn't really count.

I got a As in all my classes except for english, which was an 89(piss), and AP Physics, which counts as an A anyways.

I shall now kick it.

"Oh baby give me one more chance
(to show you that I love you)
Wont you please let me
(back in your heart)"

"I want you back" by Jackson 5

We're kidnapping Dante Belardinelli this morning at 530. Justin Cornwall dropped Mads for the second time. It still wasn't his fault but I'm disappointed at the situation. I was the one defending him every chance I got last year. . .

I finished my essays, they were not hard to complete, AT ALL.

Choir pics this day. I can't wait.

I'm realizing I'm a senior and I don't want to be one and I'm trying to put all that shit on hold. it ain't workin. especially when I have three uncles here who keep badgering me with (badger badger badger badger MUSHROOM MUSHROOM) questions like "What are you majoring in?" or "What college are you going to?" The truth is, my cousins have all figured out what their callings are and I haven't. I want it to just fall in my lap but that won't happen either. I gotta GET IN THERE!

 But even with all the stress of  the future . . . I'm feeling fabulous this morning.







"If you're feeling like a pimp nigga, go and brush you're shoulders off,
Ladies is pimps too, go 'n brush yo shoulders off.
Niggas is crazy baby, don't forget that boy told you
Get,(get)That,(that) dirt off you're shoulder"

"Dirt Off You're Shoulder" by Jay-Z

Wednesday was hell. I had to get flowers, wash and label all the white shirts, get a build a bear for Purdy, cards, and gifts for the booster club. I felt like I was going to burst. and the stupid build a bear woman was getting on my FREAKING NERVES!!! she was so UGH! I wanted to punch her.

I have found that with my great flood of emotions, has come a great flood of tears. I have cried every day this week.

Thursday was the concert. I had to do my physics final project. (I used a 2 liter soda bottle, pillow stuffing, cotton balls, and gauze. it's mass is 176g so I think it will work.) but I did that after the concert and after Denny's. I passed out all the shirts so all the boys were done. the girls on the other hand. didn't have pearls or shoes left and right. it was fucked up. I cried. . . again.

Friday my mother screams at me for not seeing my grandmother because even though I posted a calendar of gigs and such it doesn't mean anything cause she doesn't look at it! I had recording that day for the choir CD. . . we all know how that goes. . .

Yesterday I had a gig at 1015. I was the only freaking alto there!!. . .  well not really but the other alto, grace, is practically mute when it comes to singing. fuck. I went to the hospital after that(1:30, we waited around for quite some time thanks to Purdy) and guess what?!? my grandmother is in surgery and I left cause she wasn't going to be out until 5 or so which meant she wouldn't be awake till 7 or so.

Today I must complete 2 critiques for Tri-M, 1essay for choir, and 2 essays for English.

Bitches In My Face!!!

Before. I find that my grandma is in the hospital( she's having severe chest pains and has been since she left last week t go to the philippines. I'm so worried. mommy hasn't come home and neither has my uncle Willie. it's just my dad and I in the house.), I have to pick up the white tux shirts for the boys, have dinner with Carson, and get everything ready for call time. I also find that the girl I've been weary about for the past months actually does have a strong liking for Carson and is beginning to actively pursue him. I had quite the opposite reaction to this. . . Carson thought it was funny.

At Show. I am bombarded with with questions about tuxes and I can not deal with the stress. so I cried. it was great. the first thing i care about in three weeks and I'm pissed at Vaneh (the girl. quite frankly i wanted to run her over yesterday. i didn't want to deal with the police so i didn't.) I broke and started crying while everyone was praying. Cameron, bless him, held me through my hysteria.

After. So the 17 days of Carson are not going very well. Carson got his third present before his first, which was an explanation of the whole thing, and last night the second present was left at Dylan's house so after the show, Carson and I made our way over there he got the present i dropped him home.

I have flashes of Vaneh and Carson together and I'm jealous. I'm jealous that she is more appealing in almost every aspect, she's funny, and she's smart, she's cultured and she IS cute like everyone says. I hate the feeling of jealousy but seriously dude? this is what it took to get me to feel SOMETHING. I'm not happy about the situation but I am glad that at least one good thing came of it. I care about something.


Jealousy pulls me from my gut. I feel like something will explode inside me.

I realize that pent up anger only makes things worse for me. go figure!

when i say i don't care about anything. i don't care. i feel depressed and i have been feeling this way since 2 weeks ago. 17 days of carson started today. what's this you ask? i've been planning a special birthday thing for carson since like october cause i'm nice like that. everyday for 17 days i'll give him something until his birthday on the 24th. he really deserves this. he's amazing and loyal and the best. you all need to meet him. the real him. not the shy one. he's like how i used to be. really really shy at first, then when he warms up to you, he's the funnest.

i just feel so numb to everything. even this thing i've been planning for forever. i want to do something about it but i can't seem to want to. i don't WANT to do anything about it. i'm so done. everyone calls it senioritis. . . and they mean seniorosis. . . but it isn't. i'm keeping up with school. i do all my work. i just really COULDN'T CARE LESS. . . please save me from going into oblivion. . . on second thought. i kind of like it here. if you're coming to save me, please wait outside the doors for a few hours first. then you can save me.

i've got dress rehearsal today for my last winter concert at canyon. EVER possibly. i mean i don't intend on continuing with choir after high school. I have to pick up the white tux shirts at Tuxedo Revue cause Purdy ordered black ones for everyone. The dates are tomorrow and thursday if anyone is interested. If anyone cares. I know I don't. . . I just started capitalizing all of a sudden. We're doing the Aliotoric ( WTFuck. CAN I GET AN SP?!) version of Silent Night. I asked Purdy to do it and she did. I also asked to do Aquarius for jazz/pop and she agreed. She just listens to me or something. . .

Shit. This is the last week of school before finals.





I need a job.






Someone give me something to care about.





And can I just say that the girl, Renessa, on Work Out. just kind of talks like her jaw doesn't move and is stupid and mumbles and ends all her sentences in questions. It's rather odd. I mean I don't really care. I just wanted to point it out.





Rehearsal time.





P.S. I have a gig right after this rehearsal.